Easters Status

In one of my classes, we were asked to participate in a social media event for our church. Nothing crazy. They weren't asking us to go to all of our friends and post on their walls that they are going to hell to take a picture of us talking to snake. Nothing like that. Just participate in it. Share it, like it or post about it. And yet, I had such a hard time.

I made a post the other day about how I got a guy's number at work. I had no problem doing that. Sharing an embarrassing photo of myself, no problem. But posting something religious was taking it way to far. I don't know what it is inside of me that made me so scared to participate. I'm friends on my social media accounts with my friends. They care about me. They know who I am. They know what I believe and yet, I'm scared I'll offend them.

I see things on my social media accounts that I don't care for and so I scroll past it. Why would I think my friends are any different? So, I finally made the posts. I shared it, I liked it and I even  made my own status about it.

This whole experience was actually very eye opening for myself. I learned that I wasn't as confident in my testimony as I thought that I was. I learned that I feared the opinion's of my peers and desired their approval. I found out that I was very scared to do something so simple. So I started thinking of how I could participate in this social media event. It became less of an assignment and more of a personal ambition. It was like when I was learning to do a back flip on the trampoline or jumping off the high dive. I knew I could do it, I just was scared. And I tried to conquer the fear. When I finally made the jump, I trusted in myself a little bit more. I knew that I could do things that scared me; and when I finally made that post, I had the same sensation. I did something that scared me. It probably won't reach around the world and change anyone lives. But, it changed mine.

Education

In class a teacher said this to all of us, "The reason for this quiz is I want to check your understanding of your readings. Hopefully you have been reading to learn, not to just find the answers to the questions." What a joke. I have been programmed sense grade school that I read things to find the answers. I even check the questions before reading whatever the assignment is so I know what I am looking for. Because a lot of time if I read something and don't know what I am looking for, I'll miss the "golden nuggets" the teacher has deemed worthy of points. 

This is sad to say, but, I don't go to school to learn, I go to do assignments and take tests. A few of my classes that I took last semester I can't remember anything from them. And mom doesn't pay for school, I do. I can remember hearing, "Now pay attention, you will apply this in your life more than one way." Well, that's useful. I remember that I needed to remember something, but I don't remember what I was supposed to remember. And if I go two semesters back, I think I can remember one quote from one of my six teachers. "It's easy to say you'll do the right thing. But, when they start adding zeros on their offer, the right thing starts becoming a lot harder to do." If I'm offered twenty bucks I'm quite willing to do plenty of things. 

I feel like the tests I take don't show my learning abilities, it shows my ability to remember the answers. And then when I'm out of that class, that information is just about as useless as Bing or Yahoo. I pay college tuition and pay for the books my teachers think will generate good quiz questions just to get a grade. And all of that just to get a piece of paper that says, "He paid his fees and remembered the right information for his tests. You should hire him." And then there are a bunch of other kids out there like me who graduated with that exact same piece of paper and "quality" of education trying to get the same job. 

I have nothing against learning. I love learning. It answers so many questions to my life and seems to make it so much richer. Because things around me have a reason to being there and a story as to how they got there. I do have a problem with the way I'm learning though and the price I pay just to get a grade. (I wish I could say I pay to get an A but I'm not that smart and I don't want anyone to take that statement as a sexual innuendo.) The thing is though, do I have a solution to how the education system works? Ha, no. The only unique ideas I have is how to get the answers to the many, many tests I have taken. 

Happily Ever After?

I come from a broken home and in all honesty, this didn't deter me from the thought of being married. (And if my parents are reading this, I hope they know I do not blame them for how I am.) I used to think, I've seen what not to do, so, I won't do those things and I'll be the best husband. Ever. I remember telling people this when they would ask me about my parents divorce and it gave me an optimistic view on the future. But, as my life went on I learned and saw a lot more about life then just the experience from my family.

What about cheating? I want to say I would never cheat on my spouse, but, how do I know future me will be? I don't know what things will happen in my life and what I will become. Why would I want to put her through the pain of not feeling like she was enough? What of her? I can control myself. I am the "Master of my fate, the captain of my soul" (William Henley) But what of my significant other? I know I am completely counting my eggs before they hatch, heck, I'm counting my eggs before I even have a chicken. But, I am not the captain of her soul. She can choose and act for herself all she wants. What if at the end of my fairy tale ending there isn't a happily ever after? What if it's just me crying at the step of my castle because my bedroom is now empty?

Speaking of this fairy tale ending, what of the kids that get brought into this fairy tale? Can you imagine the ending of this story?

"Soon enough, they had a house full of beautiful children and they lived happily ever after. Until mom had an affair and soon the divorce papers were under way. The father was served and soon enough the kids had two homes, two moms and two dads. Two Christmases and two birthdays. And they had double the happily ever after."

I know I'm playing the "what if" game. I know there are countless talks out there and many, many scriptures about having faith. I know many people who would tell me these fears are not real, but, they're still fears. I have no idea how strong future me will be because I know how weak past me was. I have heard countless times, "I'm not getting married to get divorced." and "Divorce is not an option." Who wants to stay in a marriage all their life if they are unhappy? Why would I want to be in a home where I'm not loved? Why would I want to be miserable the rest of my life because, "It's not an option"? It won't be just me who gets hurt if things go wrong after the words "I do" are said.

I realize there are a lot of questions marks and my future is as bright as my faith. I know the sun will come up tomorrow and these are just fears. But, I don't want to get hurt. I don't want others to get hurt. That's just it, I'm scared. I'm afraid to make the choice, because, what if I make the wrong one?